The O’Table Secks Organ

Posted on | October 15, 2009 | 6 Comments

T’was Toosdee last wen Eye war playin a game of snit with large Marge at Big Barney’s Billiards an Booze. She’d wagered er wooden laig that eye cudn’t fling the booly ball thru the ponzi hoop. Boot eye’s n’er lost a game a snit in me life an eye comed away wit Marge’s laig. A coasre eye did’na keep it. Her tippin over an lookin piteeful an awl. Sew she in her thankfulness bot me drink after drink.

Tha next mornin eye wakes up ina fine ditch. Tha smell a heather driftin pass me nose. Heather says eye, wakes up an git oot a me ditch fer ya war a one nite stand an that’s awl! She grumbled a bit boot soon left. As eye sat in tha ditch an looked aboot, eye done seed that eye war neer me Aunty Millies hoose.

Aunty Millie war outside an seed me. “Paddy O’Table ya worthless sack O’ sheet. Comes into me hoose fer a bite.” She yelled wit her one gud lung. She’d lost er udder lung after years a smokin rope soaked in kerosene. Boot who’d a known that such a theeng wood be unhealthy eye asks ya?

Eye done sat down at Aunty’s kitchen table. Made of pure plastic it ar, an mitey proud she is of it. She brot me a heapin bowl of her famous salt puddin wit tapioca sauce. Eye et it doown quick like boot wanted fer dessert. Aunty, has ya any of yer lard biskits left? Her lard biskits ar tha tok of the town. Solid bars a lard stored in barrels full a weeskee.

“They’s a whole barrel of em in the cellar Pad. Goes gets yerself sum!” says Aunty. Eye crawled o’er Uncle Stump who war blockin the cellar door an deesended inta tha cellar. Lookin fer tha barrel me eye catched hold on a big thing covered wit a tarp.

Uncoverin it, thar ta behold was an organ. Aunty! yelled eye. Wot be this here organ?
“Well Pad, this here organ has done been in tha O’Table famly fer year an year.” says Aunty. “Here be tha tail.”

In tha year 1853, Sept. 29 or abouts, Augustus Secks decide ta bild a fine organ. He searched tha woodland of Hardon until he found a tree of the hardest wood.He set ta millin it and spent a year in buildin the fine organ. His village was all excited an they was always a tokin aboot the big Secks organ wot wood make thar village famous.

One dee Mr. Secks called oot–Eye is dun!
The villagers awl came to his shop. Tha woodwork was a fine quality an tha ladies caressed the hard wood. Eye shall erect it in the tabarnakle of St.Phallus says Mr. Secks. On Christmas dee of 1854 the Secks organ was ready ta be played with.

Mrs. Hazel Dill Doe was selected ta be tha first ta lay hands on tha organ. Hazel Dill was a world famous organist who married Hercules Doe just tha year before. Tha Does of Birmingham on Trent are an old family who made their money in lubricants.

Hazel played with zeal, her hands strokin tha organ until it reached tha moosics climax. Afterwards she war spent an had ta be carried away to rest.

The giant Secks organ was just too much fer most ta play with. St.Phallus demanded that it be removed from them. Sew yer grate Uncle Tobias O’Table said he’d take it off their hands fer a keg a beer. The church agreed an Toby took the organ home. Well, he played wit it constantly. He sat all dee in a locked room a strokin the Secks organ until one dee his wife had had enuff. Git rid of it or eye be leevin ya Toby!

He gived it ta me and here it sits ta this dee.
Say, wood any of tha reeders loke ta have a giant Secks organ?
Contact me Aunty—456-689-2990w

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